Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Obligatory Bron-Bron Post

It's time for an award!

Potholer54 has the Golden Crocoduck (look it up on YouTube). Top Gear has the Golden Cock (as in rooster, filthbrains). We here at B3 have . . . the Platinum Douchebag!

Yes! This charming reproduction of That Thing In Your Grandma's Closet is for the winner of the Basketball for Beginners Lifetime Achievement Award. This prestigious award is given to the person who's done the most to ruin the lives of the NBA's millions of fans all over the world.

And the nominees are . . .

Point and laugh
Yes, I'm laughing at you.
LeBron James -- for rewarding the Cleveland Cavalier fanbase for their years of wholehearted support and love by going on live television, disembowling their hopes and dreams, and dumping rocksalt into the protruding-viscera wounds.

Back tattoo
My heart won't fit on my sleeve. Go figure.
LeBron James -- for extending the trail paved by Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Dewayne Wade; taking the marketing of basketball farther away from its identity as a team sport and proving once again it's all about The Guy and not those fourteen other idiots wearing the same colors.

Almost looks like a responsible adult
These are my Grownup clothes.
And finally, LeBron James -- for not parking his enormous ego in Dallas, which could've offered him a bigger payday and a chance to work with the least drama-queen-esque superstar in professional sports.

Finger wag
Okay, that last bit was the homer talking.

And the winner is . . .

Envelope please

LeBron James!!!


All these reasons are valid, but above everything else . . . what he's done is show the world -- the casual fan, the dedicated fan, the players, the league -- that the NBAs top tier of talent, the ones that make the business go, are a pack of immature idiots and are to be dealt with on that basis. The Miami Heat might or might not win a title during the Moron Triplets' tenure, but there will be a lockout next year. I don't trust this man, his representatives, the other business guys, or the players who look up to him as a model of self-promotion, to arrive at an equitable salary arrangement.

In that same hand . . . comparisons have been made between the 2010 Heat and the Jordan-era Bulls. With one crucial difference; as much as Phil Jackson comes off as slime, he's one of the best ego-wranglers in the league. Does Erik Spoelstra have the mad skills necessary to keep three huge talents with egos to match pulling in harness together? Survey says Fuck No.

So James has got to hope he can win the championship this year. He'll need that bit of shine as comfort and consolation as we all suffer through the lockout we know is coming.

Congratulations, LeBron James. You . . . are the Platinum Douchebag.

Big smile
Damn it feels good to be a douchebag.


PS: This post was lovingly ripped off from the 2007 Top Gear Awards. Give it a watch.

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