Wednesday, December 31, 2008

They Don't Have Power Plays In Basketball . . . Right?

Whaddafuck?

I've gone through the rulebook and the ref's guidebook (both available on NBA.com as PDF files, invaluable ammunition in a bar fight), and none of the scenarios listed in the ref's guidebook cover what to do if a team has an extra man on the court and the refs don't notice it before that team scores.

Okay, so we lack precedent. In the spirit of fair play, what is the correct ruling? What's the right thing to do?

1. Basket is discounted and the points are taken off that team's score.

2. A technical foul is assessed to the team. Opposing team shoots uncontested free throw and retains posession.

3. Resume play.

According to the officials present -- who according to the letter of NBA rules have the final say -- the basket was scored before the error was caught and the basket counts.

Bullshit, say I. That troika of grayshirts should be suspended and fined and locked in a room alone with Kevin Garnett for ten minutes. I'm sure Doc Rivers will agree to have him muzzled; you'll probably survive. That field goal came about where one team posessed an unfair advantage over the other due to a clear and unquestionable violation of the rules; ergo, the basket should not count.

If a contest isn't fair, it's meaningless. It stops being a sport and starts being playacting. Having refs when all you want to do is watch ten guys duke it out -- and all the ten guys want to do is play -- is a pain. Why should the players and fans tolerate a league that can't make sure everyone plays fair?

Another day in NBA infamy.
-BJ

Game 31, Dallas Mavericks host Minnesota Timberwolves

Theme: White Zombie, "Soul-Crusher"
Game Info: Try MSN for a nice change of pace

Hey there friends, this is your on-the-spot Know Absolutely Nothing, BJ, coming to you from the AAC with her new intern, MavsMonkey. Say hi MavsMonkey.

Hi MavsMonkey.

Cute. I'm a little busy right this second MavsMonkey, so could you go over the first half?

Yes, Allmighty Evil One. At halftime, I asked The Boss to bleach my fur and make me a NASCAR monkey. Dead legs. No bulling for shots. No fast-breaking. Shot selection on a par with a Tom Green movie -- acutely painful and so not funny. And how was that shit with smacking Dirk in the face not a foul? Coach had the dubious pleasure of being excused from the game in the second; by halftime nineteen thousand ex-Cowboy fans would've been glad to join him. You want to complain about getting booed? Fuck you, you earned every one. Boss, when that kind of shit is all we get, just leave me in the fucking bag already.

. . . agreed. I can't even bring myself to type how much we were down in the third. A lot, let's leave it at that.

But.

About halfway through the third, Dirk got a smack in the face that came yea close to breaking his nose--

Hell-loo! How was that not an ejection?!?

I guess because the fouler didn't curl his hand just right. Here's a can of Sarcasm. Apply liberally.

Wonder why Jet's firing the crowd up and we're still down twenty . . . and wonder why the crowd is in fact fired up?

The tide changed. You could feel it. The Mavs woke up, remembered they were playing a subpar team, and proceeded to turn them into wall hangings. Dirk had problems with his jumper early on -- and from the line he was six-of-ten, I'll chalk it up to the scrambled sinuses and let it go -- and he proceeded to take it in with more force than I've ever seen from him. Jason Kidd demonstrated why the Kidd trade was not a bad idea -- sixteen points, seventeen assists, and another put-a-little-English-on-it pass that's going to make somebody's highlight reel. Dampier had some monster dunks, and Josh Howard is slowly getting back in touch with his offensive awesomeness (though I'm getting annoyed, he specifically promised to quit relying on that step-back jump shot). The Jet was on fucking fire, everything he flung up found nylon. The Timberwolves, instead of sticking with the defensive gameplan that had been working -- outrun, outgun, and stick somebody about thirty pounds heavier on Dirk like a bumper sticker -- started commiting dumb fouls and getting sloppy with the ball. The Minnesota coach had timeouts to use and fouls to give and he neither used nor gave . . . and given the kind of rolls the Mavs went on, a momentum breaker would've helped.

More importantly, the defense locked down. In the second half the T-wolves couldn't shoot for shit. Overall, the energy was much better. In the first half I saw some defensive lapses for which there's simply no excuse.

I'm torn about how to feel about this game. I hope like hell I never see anything like that first half, ever again. This should've been a blowout from the first five seconds.

On the other hand-- let me set the stage for you. Nice weather and no Cowboys. The Organization didn't need to cheat to make it a sellout night. The Painted Fan section, underpopulated all month, was packed -- I was in their overflow section, Standing Room Only in the back of Section 114. A blowout would've made for a deserted arena halfway through the fourth, because Dallas sports fans don't see the point in hanging around unless something's hanging in the balance.

An epic, come-from-behind ass-whipping is what Dallas sports fans live for. Given that the Cowboys missed the playoffs and given that the Stars are minus Morrow, it looks like it's up to the Mavs to save the soul of the DFW sports scene.

And the way last night's game played out, they look up to the challenge. Block and an egoectomy, courtesy of Dr. Nowitzki! Kidd picks your pocket and there goes your lunch money! Monster slam from Diop! J-Ho throws up a prayer with one left on the shot clock and it goes! The Jet bombs your ass from any range!

In terms of basketball, this game's a meh. In terms of building and cultivating a fanbase, it's exactly what the doctor ordered. The biggest comeback in Dallas Mavericks history.

Final: 107-100, Mavericks!
-BJ

Monday, December 29, 2008

An Open Letter to the Dallas Cowboys Fanbase

By birth I am a Michigander, and for my sins I am a Lions fan. Your life might be in the pits, but you have not gotten the Grand Tour.

I'm giving you a week to mourn. After that I don't want to hear it.

How 'bout those Mavs?

Sincerely,
-BJ

Game 26, Dallas Mavericks visit Washington Wizards

Theme: Grendel, "Void Malign"
Game Info: Use da Force, dumbass

After the truly ugly gang-rape in Jersey (Garden State my ass!), a trip to the capital was just what the boys needed. To be fair, the Wiz made it a fight almost down to the wire. The folks in the arena got their money's worth as far as the game goes.

- I don't want to have to get ugly, gentlemen, so let's work on those long-range shots. 'Kay?

- Free-throws attempted by Wizards -- 25. Free-throws attempted by Mavs -- 14. Haven't seen the video so I'm not going to scream "home cooking," I'm-not-I'm-not-I'm-not.

- Well there goes the Triple-Double Threat. Our Mr. Kidd was zero-for-seven, a big fucking donut-hole for seven. On the other hand, I'm not going to say No to four rebounds and eleven assists.

- Antawan Jamison. Actually worth a damn. On this team, any road.

- No we did not hurt Arenas on purpose.

- The end of the game we've got our Three Jacks And A Pair lineup -- the three-point-guard setup of Kidd, Barea, and Terry, with an interchangeable couple of bigish guys. According to Cooperstein, Jason Kidd was able to read the Wizards well enough to catch them in panic-mode in crunch time, so the Mavs kept throwing alley-oops. Dirk was out for a few minutes that just kept going.

- Josh Howard's back, but not really sure of his place in the lineup. The team managed all right in his absence, even learned some shit that'll come in handy later. Josh's adaptability is now what's really in question. Can he accept any variation in his role, either increased or decreased? He'd better. We need him. Or what we can get for him.

- James Singleton is now Jimz. Just so you know.

In The Wash: Another game that's closer than I'd like. On the other hand, the guys got a Win after a truly unmanning loss. So yay. Meantime they're back home on Tuesday for a layover at the AAC before hitting Portland for Christmas. Which I'm here to tell you, if you're a kid, that blows. My heart goes out to the Kidd littleuns, Jet's girls, and the rest of the Mavs kids. It fucking sucks to have your kin away on Christmas for something so meaningless as work.

Final: 97-86, Mavericks
-BJ

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Game 25, Dallas Mavericks visit New Jersey Nets

Theme: Combichrist, "Fuck This Shit"
Game Info: Don't fucking talk to me about this one

Not only did we get totally fucked . . . somebody put sand in the Vaseline.

- God Mode got split between Harris and Vince Carter and the Mavs were totally unable to shut either one of them down. They tried man-to-man; Epic Fail. They tried zone; the Nets just shot over it. Bupkis.

- The Kidd Trade happened just as I was getting into the team, so I have no direct familiarity with Devin Harris as a Maverick. By all accounts the Organization expected him to blossom into an All-Star at some point. Just not this soon. Or this dramatically. Or this painfully.

- I'm not familiar with Harris, but I am familiar with Avery Johnson. Looking back, maybe the Organization would've done better to have given up on the coach before giving up on the point guard. Jackass.

- To you guys in the Dirk Is Not A Leader canoe -- what exactly is your critera for leadership? Making sure the unhappy team doesn't murder the coach in his sleep isn't enough?

- By Dirk standards, he had a mediocre night against the Nets. I will now accept that MVP talk at this point is strictly homer talk and shut up. Until he uncorks another fifty point night (it's coming).

- I'm not sure why Hardwood P has Vince Carter clocked as a douche. Other than whaling the snot out of my guys I didn't see any proof of it.

In The Wash: You know what? I'm gonna weasel. Read this for a comprehensive analysis of the Mavs suck factor.

Most of the points this gentleman makes are right on the money. Bass isn't having the year everyone was hoping he'd have, Jason Terry's abilities as a passer are hit-or-miss, and while Dirk's a long way from his Irk-with-no-D days, his defensive skills are nothing to stop alien invasions with.

On the other hand, the Nets need that kind of nads-that-warp-time-and-space performance out of Harris and Carter every night if they're going to make any noise. This is a decent team, but if they make the playoffs it'll be because a lot of other teams screwed up.

The same could be said of the Mavs. If the playoffs started today, we'd be out.

Final: 121-97 (sob!) Nets
-BJ

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Game 24, Dallas Mavericks visit Toronto Raptors

Theme: Da Yoopers, "The Second Week of Deer Camp" (it's a Michigander thing)
Game Info: Drink, play cards, and shoot the bull, but never shoot no deer

If you're curious, Deer Camp is a two-week period at the start of firearm deer season in which family and friends spend their vacations in no-mod-cons shacks in the middle of nowhere, not washing, drinking beer, and playing with guns. Also known as the main impetus for building the Mackinac (pronounced Mack-in-naw) Bridge. I've never been, but it actually sounds kinda fun. If you've never had venison, you're missing out.

What does this have to do with the Mavs? Nothing directly, but they're in Toronto tonight, and for some reason I sing Da Yoopers in the shower when I'm feeling homesick for my beloved Great Lakes.

Anywho, I'm biting my fingers watching the play-by-play update itself on NBA.com. I'm at the library right now and my radio can't get a signal.

- I heard enough of the first quarter to know JJ's down, please God nothing major.

- There's 4:23 to go and we're up by ten. After being outscored 33-21 in the first quarter (!). Painful experience has taught me that in basketball there is no such thing as a safe lead, so I'm waiting here and biting my nails.

- Double-double Dirk is at it again. And he was ice cold in the first half.

- Devean George's contribution -- at least in the box -- amounts to four rebounds. Still not getting it.

- Jay-Hoooo! Twenty points in twenty-two minutes. Did I mention that we missed you, man?

And it's official!

Final: 96-86, Mavericks!
-BJ

Game 23, Dallas Mavericks host Denver Nuggets

Theme: Pink Floyd, "Is There Anybody Out There?"
Game Info: Is there anybody out there?

Quiet arena? Don't hang it on me, I was doing my part. To the point of embarassment. Hey, you try doing your face while in a moving car/in a parked car/on board a light rail train.

- How bad did we need this. Denver is second in the conference, playing like a team possessed since they got rid of Iverson. In retrospect, that's looking like a what-were-you-assholes-thinking? move on Detroit's part.

- Okay, can we declare the Viva Barea! period over? I am not slighting JJ. God no. But he's not a Plan A when he's competently defended (no one is). And Denver did that. He served up nine assists, so he knows what to do when that happens. The rest of the team? Not so much.

- Oh shit, Kidd's no longer money from the arc. We've got a problem.

- Back off, Carmelo. It's not anybody's fault yo mama named you for a dessert topping.

- I'm really trying not to play the Blind And Brain Damaged Ref card when it comes to the Mavs. I really am. But it's hard when the Nugs decide their best way to defend Dirk is by putting him in a half-nelson.

- And while we're at it, I could really learn to dislike the Nuggets. I don't remember who it was (I should start bringing a notebook), but on offense, I saw the guy with the ball hook a foot at JJ's ankle. It didn't connect, but if JJ had been about half a step closer he would've tripped.

- What has me mad is this game was winnable. The Nuggets had a stretch late in the game where they weren't shooting for shit. The Mavs could have, and should have, beaten them bloody. They didn't.

- I. Still. Don't. Understand. Why. Devean. George. Is. Getting. Playing. Time.

- Welcome back, J-Ho! We missed you! Just . . . please don't go 1-5 and expect me to not cry. I'll accept that its because you're on restricted minutes and you need time to get back in rhythm. For now.

- We only scored how many points in the paint?!?!?

- Due diligence from the big guy; 27 points and 10 rebounds. A solid night's work from Jason Terry; 19 points. Not enough.

- Richard Carlisle, quote machine; "We couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle. When you're not guarding them and not making shots, you're going to suck." Thank you, Captain Obvious. Extra points for both alliteration and assonance in a single statement.

In The Wash: Well that's it for the homestand. Thank God; I don't think my heart could take much more of this. We did what we were supposed to do; got back to a winning record, officially we're in the playoff picture. We even managed to beat a contending team, nuking Phoenix into the Dark Ages.

However, that doesn't feel true to my heart. On the checklist of Things To Do was a victory that definitively says the Mavs can play with the superheros. And we didn't do that. One can dismiss the Phoenix game as a victory over a team that's busy coming apart at the seams. It took two overtimes for San Antonio to do it, but they kicked our butts. And the Nuggets didn't even need that. Coach waved the white and emptied the bench in the last minute of play.

In perfect frankness I will say that I am not as hopeful for this team as I once was.

Final: 98-88, Nuggets
-BJ

Game 22, Dallas Mavericks host Oklahoma City Thunder

Theme: Shiny Toy Guns, "Le Disko"
Game Info: Hello little boys little toys

Argh! The sad sacks of the NBA; why were they allowed to lead for three fucking quarters?!? Why were they not beaten to within an inch of their lives? Guys . . .

- We won all right. Took some moderate to serious heroics from certain parties to do it though.

- The Viva Barea! period's lost a little of the shine. Only six points, but five assists. DLord, aka The Good King of Numbers, runs down some stats and concludes that JJ isn't nearly the defensive liability one would think. To be honest, the math behind Efficiency Ratings is over my head. I'm going to have to reread The Arbitrarian's columns over at HP, this time with a couple of Algebra and Statistics texts close to hand.

- Dampier had four free throws in the first quarter and bricked all four. It's getting so I'm covering my eyes whenever Damp or Diop go to the line. Please don't make me hate you, guys. I don't like hating you.

- For Four-String, I sing from Sgt. Pepper -- It's getting better all the time . . .

- Seats for Soldiers was cool. The courtside lower bowl seats were all full of vets, either wounded in combat or currently on active duty. The really nifty thing? The Organization extended the invitation to some servicepeople from Oklahoma City, so the Thunder got to play for their guys too.

- Kevin Durant has either climbed over the rookie wall or he got cut a break from the Basketball Gods at the expense of my Mavs (again).

- The Thunder aren't on pace for Worst Record Ever, Durant and Jeff Green look like they're comers, and to be completely fair it's not like the expectations are high for them this year. I think they'll finish the year . . . well under .500 but with a base to build upon. I feel most sorry for Seattle basketball fans. It's not their fault their franchise got shipped out of town via Pony Express.

- We got outrebounded again. Considering the schedule and considering the lack of consistent hustle (God I hate that word!) I'm worried.

- We need J-Ho back. Sooner, not later. I don't know if he was present last night. Given his tasteless remarks regarding the anthem over the summer, his absence wouldn't've been a shock. I hope he was present though, hat off, head down, mouth shut, ready to take whatever disrespect the soldiers had to give.

- Our Jet decided to turn it loose. 28 points, six assists. Hold onto me, pretty baby, if you wanna fly . . .

In The Wash: Oh yeah, Dirk. Well he got a hero's exit from the game in the fourth, with 39 points to tie his season high so far. Given how everyone else looked, I didn't think he'd be out long. Sure enough the Thunder, to their credit, refused to die. So back he came about twenty seconds later. Poor guy, operating under the delusion that he'd only have to play thirty minutes per. The Mavericks, where Hop On Dirk And Hang On happens.

He took thirty shots, and I am perfectly okay with that. His line from the game looks a little something like this:

46 points. 17-30 shooting, including 2-4 three-point shots. 10-10 free-throws. 8 rebounds. 4 assists. 2 blocked shots.

You spell that M-V-P, guys.

Final: 103-99, Mavericks
-BJ

Game 21, Dallas Mavericks host Charlotte Bobcats

Theme: The Aristocats OST, "Everybody Wants To Be A Cat"
Game Info: 'Cause everybody wants to be a cat

Maybe it's because of the slugfest with San Antone or the guys are getting too settled into a routine with being home for a long stretch . . . but is it possible to get pissed off when you win? Because I'm . . . well I wouldn't say pissed off, but I'm not happy.

- The Bobc--ts aren't quite the sad sacks of the NBA, but this is the same team upon whom the Mavs opened a keg of whupazz about a month ago. On top of that, they were shorthanded. A major trade with the Phoenix Suns was announced yesterday and the players traded were not available (the trades weren't final).

- Dirk did a lot of the heavy lifting again, on admittedly subpar 9-21 shooting. I think that's double double 10 so far this season; 23 points, 13 rebounds, 5 assists.

- JJ got another start, but that concept is bumping up against its limitations. He was only 3-7 from the floor. Not exactly an offensive ball of fire. Now I'm not hating on the guy. He's earned his stripes. But he needs to come off the bench, either as a Kidd Alternate or swingman spark plug. And he's the first one to say so.

- Outrebounded? By Charlotte? Guys!

- Leave aside Coach's ranting about how the 'Cats are the hardest working team in the league. A cynic -- and I am one -- might think the Mavs were trying to coast through the game. Bad idea.

- Kidd's shooting percentages have fallen off a bit. Not good.

- All credit to Emeka Okafor for putting the screws on Dirk. Die in your sleep you bastard.

- Come back, J-Ho! Come back!

- Still not moved to hysterics over Devean George. Still not entirely sure why he's getting the start. I'll have to dig into the boxscores, but I think Shawne Williams has made better use of his minutes. Or we could've switched Dirk over to the three and started Bass (who had a fairly decent game). Come on, we've stretched so far as to have three points on the floor at once; is Dirk as a small forward really so great a leap?

- Desagana Diop. Time for Coach to use some coachly magic.

- Gerald Green, working on his fourth or fifth DNP-CD. See above and square it.

- The Mavs Dancers are fucking beautiful. Just FYI.

In The Wash: Dirk's said it a couple of times already; we're not good enough to coast. With anyone. No mercy fucks, gentlemen. I know The Win is all that matters . . . but why are these teams -- Clips, Hawks, Bobcats etc, being allowed to leave the Metroplex with their dignity intact? Quoth My Lord, "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women." Take the opportunity; break them over your knees.

On the other hand, this is December. Time for fine-tuning, procedural evolution, et cetera et cetera et cetera. The goals here are two; rack up wins and don't get injured.

And as to the absurd idea that the team's playing better without Josh Howard? Look, you don't not miss twenty points and eight rebounds per. If one takes the lineups over the last few games as indicators, the best we've got for backup at small forward is . . . Devean George. Oh dear.

Well the Thunder is in town on Saturday, who actually are the sad sacks of the league right now. It's also Seats for Soldiers night, when floor seat season ticket holders donate their seats to wounded veterans. Should be a nifty night. I'll be there with the Stars'n'Stripes on my cheek. After, the Nuggets visit for the last game of this at-home stretch. They've been playing very decently since they traded Iverson for Billups. As of this morning they're second in the conference. Should be fun.

Final: 95-90, Mavericks
-BJ

I'm Back And I'm Pissed Off

Yo. I'm sorry for the absence. In between game attendance, not being able to access my life from work anymore, and other Real Life shit to deal with I haven't been keeping up dishere blog like I should be. Recaps of the last week will be up momentarily. Except the San Antonio game. I haven't had a chance to look at the tape yet.
-BJ

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Report Cards

Okay class, front'n'center. It's time for your first-quarter report cards.

Now, I'm just a student teacher -- that's Ms. BJ to you Mr. Williams and don't think I didn't see that eye-roll -- and your actual grades for the quarter will come from Prof. Fisher. I just want you to know what I think before you go out to the arcade this afternoon [AN: true, the team's hosting a party at a place in Plano, God I wish I could go, video games plus Mavs equals Very Happy Beej].

Please take your seats, I'll be calling you up one at a time.

Barea, Jose Juan "JJ"
A+, with a gold star
What can I say? You've been doing your homework and your in-class work has been spectacular. I know I haven't been very supportive. I've said some unkind things. And I'm sorry, I had no right. You're an excellent student. One of the best in the class. Keep it up!

Bass, Brandon
B-
Is it that you miss your old coach? Is it something else that made you fumble a little the first few weeks of the semester? The grade is what it is because you're capable of improving. And lately you've been doing that, taking care of the little things we all know you do well. You're a natural. And dunks after catching full-court passes? Outta sight.

Carlisle, Rick
no grade
Ahem, yes well. I know it's against protocol, technically, for a student teacher to evaluate the coach. Please pardon me, I thought it would be good for the class. May I give you my impressions? Thank you. I think this group is a work in progress. Yeah I know that's obvious, but logic is right at first. What I'm seeing, and why I'm easy in my mind with you as the leader is I see everyone working together. Homework is on time, everyone is organized, even the kids at the back of the class feel like they're a part of something great. By the end of the school year these men should be playing out of their minds because anything less would be treason to their trade.

Dampier, Erick
B
You do the dirty work and by and large you do it well. The kids on the playground know they will pay if they try and play silly buggers. My only complaint is consistancy. Some nights you're a beast, but other nights you look like a tree.

Diop, Desegana
C-
This should be lower. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I see sloppy work, I see shot opportunities missed, I see bad judgement. And I see a free-throw percentage just short of shameful. Desagana, free-throws-- this is basic basketball! With you and Erick filling the center position . . . games aren't won at the five, but they sure as hell can be lost there. For your extra homework, shoot a thousand free-throws a day. Every day.

George, Devean
D+
You're here because Dean Cuban and Principal Nelson think you can contribute. I don't see it. Your defense is hit-or-miss, your shot percentage is nothing I want to rely on, and I don't see the effort I want. I don't like not liking you. Please don't make me write you off at the semester break.

Green, Gerald
C
Sigh, I just don't know what I'm going to do with you, young man! You keep saying you're willing to learn, and I keep watching you made bad decisions. I don't see you showing off as much as you have in other classes, which is encouraging. Look, you're surrounded by examples of what an A student looks like, the school is committed to helping you excel. I'm willing to be patient; you should be willing to put in the extra work.

Howard, Josh
Incomplete
How's your paw? Ouch, man. Listen, getting hurt wasn't your fault. Your classmates believe in you and your work up until was solid. The important thing is making sure you're at a hundred percent. If that means staying home from school for a while, I'm okay with that. It's early in the year. What you've missed you can make up later. You might have to accept being asked to sit at the back of the class for a while; please don't let it bother you. The record's not telling the full story. Your classmates miss you.

Kidd, Jason
A-
New ring? Oooh, shiny! Of the upperclassmen in the school, you're a standout. Everyone likes to say how the younger guns can run rings around you; haven't seen it. The only complaint I have is your work isn't as tidy as it could be. Things slip through your fingers sometimes. And you need to remind some of your classmates that just because you can get away with putting the extra flash on your papers doesn't mean they can. Their handwriting isn't as nice; ink splotches everywhere.

Nowitzki, Dirk
A
Well. How do I objectively evaluate the teacher's pet? You stumbled out of the gate, there's no point denying that. I remember the Chicago game and I'm not sure whether to laugh or throw up. So. You're the one who said the best is yet to come. I believe that. And if the roll you're on continues . . . the ring's the thing and you know that. You're doing what you can, and doing it in monster fashion. Keep up the good work. You make us all proud.

Singleton, James
B
Ah, I see the look. You see yourself sliding in the rotation, back into the trunk with the rest of the children. I don't need to give you the lecture about roleplayers being just as important as starters on a basketball team, do I? Course not. You're doing good work.

Stackhouse, Jerry
Incomplete
How's your heel? I'm coping with that myself; hurts like a sonofabitch. You want to transfer classes; okay that's fine. It is to your credit that you're being seen and not heard just lately. If I may be allowed a personal observation -- you're not going to get what you want. Not without throwing mud all over your permanent record. Accept it. And start looking into teaching opportunities.

Terry, Jason
A-
Wow. Just . . . wow. If you're not Sixth Man of the Year this year there is no justice. I love most of what you do, and I love how beautifully you do it. Seriously, you look like a dancer; did you take ballet when you were a teenager? Bless your coach if you did. I love your unselfish attitude, I love how you work to get everyone fired up, I love the Wing Stop radio spot ('Hhhhheeey . . ."). There's only one thing I don't like; your penmanship can get awfully sloppy, loose balls all over the place. For what the class needs, that's not good.

Williams, Shawne
C+
I understand Principal Bird doesn't like you much. I don't see why. Was it just that you weren't happy in Indiana? Are you happier here? Never mind; that's private. You look like you've taken Coach's Prime Directive -- Semper Paratus (Always Prepared) -- to heart and you've been pretty damned good. Not just good; coldly professional. Continue, and the good things will come.

Wright, Antoine
B-
Hey, how's your area? Forget I asked, tacky question. You seem to have hopped right back into the swing of things though. The improvements needed have mostly to do with consistancy. That will come with time and more hard work. You should be at the head of the class.

Okay guys, that's it for today. Have fun at the arcade!

Yes? Oh, thank you! Apple for the teacher.
-BJ

Review Pending

In the Spurs game I was something less than a detached third party; by the end of regulation I was out of my fucking mind. A concise recap will have to wait until I can watch the videotape. Look for it in a few days. After I recover.
-BJ

Game 19, Dallas Mavericks host Atlanta Hawks

Theme: Victor/Victoria, "Crazy World"
Game Info: I love this . . . crazy world

I'm with Coach. This is a Win, against a Hawks team that's sucking much less than it should . . . but the second half could be taken as a tissue sample of everything that's wrong with the Mavs so far this season.

- Outscored by how much in the fourth? Nervous breakdown imminent.

- Another start from JJ, more hardcore hero shit. That layup in the fourth? Fucking awesome. I hereby take back every bad thing I said about the man's mightiness. He's earned the right to be taken seriously by the fanbase, after a season of being called a pet rock and worse. What's nice is he plugs some critical holes in Jason Kidd's game; what's less nice is he's guardable.

- Memo to Dirk; Take More Shots! I trust you! Coach trusts you. The guys trust you. Take more shots!

- This goes back to what everyone calls -- for lack of a better word -- mental toughness. Our Mavs have a bad habit of not responding to fourth-quarter crunch. Part of this is on Nowitzki; so far this year his fourth-quarter production isn't what it should be. Nobody knows this better than the man himself; that should improve.

- The folks that are hating on Jason Kidd . . . they've got grounds, with Devin Harris putting together an All-Star season. What they're overlooking is Jason Kidd's putting together a very respectable body of work. And they're overlooking something; we didn't trade for Kidd to get a capital-S Star. We got one of those. We got him because he makes capital-S Stars play better.

- The bench production continues to be unbe-fuckin-lieveable. However, Diop needs work. Serious work.

- Still no J-Ho. And the constant questions about when he's going to suit up again are starting to bug Coach. Carlisle basically told the press to get off Howard's back about it. Bad vibes, guys.

In The Wash: I'm sorry to be so brief. My main Internet access from work is monitored now; I can't post from the office. I procrastinated in writing this, et cetera et cetera et cetera. Once again, it wasn't as elegant as the Mavs would've liked, but we've taken care of business. It'll remain to be seen if JJ can keep up this level of play. I'm glad his folks were in town to see those games.

Second night of Yours Truly making an ass of herself. This time there was a stage involved. I got pictures; need to get them developed. That's right, until I can find a digital for cheap I'm kickin' it old school. Word.

Final: 100-98, Mavericks
-BJ

Friday, December 5, 2008

Game 18, Dallas Mavericks host Phoenix Suns

Theme: George Thoroughgoode and the Destroyers, "Who Do Ya Love?"
Game Info: Stick this in your Guitar Hero and smoke it

Dear Suns:

Please consider this loss by 15, instead of by 30, is a gift from your gracious hosts, the Dallas Mavericks. Merry Christmas!

- Starting at shooting guard, Number 11, Jose Juan "JJ" Barea-- huh? Hey it worked. I'm not sure if that's indicative of JJ's value as a starter as much as it is the Suns' total inability to play anything resembling defense. Whatever, JJ is on fire and Coach is smart to ride him. Stop sniggering.

- I don't know if anyone's still crying conflict of interest when Dirk and Steve Nash are playing against each other (they were like brothers when Nash was in Dallas, Dirk's godfather to Nash's kids). If there's anybody that lazy, please show them this game.

- I'd be more impressed with Stoudemire if he could make his points without fouling.

- Shaq who?

- Dampier -- just call him the Human Pushbroom. Fourteen rebounds.

- Shawne Williams isn't any such of a much offensively in the games he's played, but on defense, oy vey such a deal. Between the two of them, Damp and Shawne kept the boards sparkling. 26 rebounds between the two of them.

- Our Jet continues to make his case for Sixth Man of the Year. Buzzer-beater at the end of the first quarter, so beautiful as to stop breath.

- To be completely fair, the Suns were trying to rally after getting shredded in New Orleans, and Steve Nash (I actually heard he wasn't going to play) is recovering from a nasty case of "flu-like symptoms." Flu-like symptoms is NBAish for "an illness, possibly self-inflicted, that keeps a player out of a game." The news is saying he dropped seven pounds over the course of it, so I'll buy the flu part. And he was still good for 20 points and 10 assists. Hardcore hero shit.

- Still no J-Ho. I'm starting to be worried.

- Oh yeah, Dirk. 39 points. 17-25 shooting. He got a hero's exit from the game in the fourth. I will be there when he cracks open another fifty point game, this I swear.

In The Wash: Suddenly, things look different out West. Other than the Lakers, there aren't any real standouts. The Hornets have had some problems (and this was supposed to be their breakout year, remember), Denver has really benefitted from trading Iverson for Billups, Tracy McGrady is out for the next three weeks minimum, Portland is looking better than they have any right to, and of the two teams that made elder statesmen Hall Of Fame trades last year -- Dallas and Phoenix . . .

Well let me put it this way. Jason Kidd is quietly putting together a fine season, whereas Shaq is bringing shame upon his house by making the size of his mouth more noteworthy than the size of his game.

If you were watching TNT, I'm the nut with the flag, black lipstick, and the S in MAVS painted wrong way round (sue me, I was looking in a mirror). Suffice it to say, the RPL section is not where to sit if you want to watch a game objectively . . . that's why being a homer rules. I'll detail that experience later.

Final: 112-97, Mavericks!
-BJ

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Game 17, Dallas Mavericks host Los Angeles Clippers

Theme: Covenant, "We Want Revolution"
Game Info: Constant evolution

At the time, I was bloody ecstatic. Came yea close to blowing my voice out whilst riding the escalator. Upon reflection though, I'm worried.

- If one looks at the first forty minutes of playing time, the Clips should've won this game. The Mavs weren't getting shit done defensively, weren't attacking the basket, and the jump shots weren't falling.

- Dirk scored 29 points . . . on 10-27 (!) shooting.

- Okay, anybody else want to ask how bad we need Josh Howard? He was in civvies last night. According to the Morning News, his ankle swelled up on him on Tuesday morning and the team's opting to give it time. I'm crossing my fingers for Thursday.

- Maybe it's because I don't know what to look for, but I still fail to see why Devean George is getting the playing time that he's getting.

- I spent most of the second half in a state of nervous collapse. The Clips were outshooting us and beating us on rebounds. I hate booing, but gentlemen, you had it coming. Guys!

- I haven't seen the Golden State series (don't want to, can't make me!), but just by what I was seeing Baron Davis's reputation as a chronic pain in the Mavs' collective ass is deserved. Fucker.

- According to the Morning News, as a Plan Z the Mavs went to zone in the fourth quarter. They also played probably the smallest lineup possible -- Kidd at the point, JJ, Jet, Dirk, and Bass. Hey, it worked. The Clips went dry for the last three minutes.

- And then, thank you God, the threes started landing. Jet started with the bacon-salvation with four minutes left. 26 points on 9-17 shooting, plus three boards and three assists.

- The rest of the bench not too shabby, neither. Bass had a great night, and JJ . . . I hereby repent every time the words "pet rock" crossed my mind over the preseason. Read on.

- So we're down by one, having clawed our way back after three quarters of truly disgusting basketball. Down by fifteen, to the fucking Clippers! Clips take a timeout and the folks break out the flags. We in the audience who had stuck it out (and let me admit this, I was tempted to leave) were getting ready to go nuts.

- It's down to the final minute. Eric Gordon missed a jumper, Kidd came away with the rebound. And he passed it to . . . JJ. Our JJ. My heart shivered as JJ caught, set, and shot. OhmyGodnowayhe'sgonnamakeit-- BINGO!!! Up by two!

- Clips take a shortie, Kidd steals the ball, gets it to Dirk who misses the three. My heart stopped as Al Thornton got the rebound and the Clips moved it up the floor. Terry fouled and the Clips took it out of bounds with six seconds left. Three point shot would've won the game. Baron Davis jacked it . . . and it bounced off the rim. They tried for the second-chance field goal. No good. Dirk grabbed the ball and the clock turned red. Game over! Cue manlovish pig-pile and fans yelling all the way home.

In The Wash: I'm terribly worried by a lot of what I saw. The Mavs are, like it or not, a team the lives or dies by the jump shot. Jump shots are defensible, shut-downable. The Clips collapsed in the fourth quarter, and we were able to take advantage of that.

Of course that's the sober reflection. The shameless homer says, it's like the Mavs woke up in the fourth quarter said, "Hey, this is a sub-.200 team," and proceeded to swat them like flies. The Mavs can now call themselves a winning team with a straight face -- and hey, check it out, we're eighth in the conference right now. The fanbase has a reason to shout "How 'bout those Mavs!" Mainline the hope everybody. We're gonna need it.

Other lessons? We are clutch, we can play small when we need to, you won't like Dirk when he's angry, our bench is a lot deeper than the early season has indicated, Gerald Green is unfortunately not ready to be a major part of the game plan at this stage, but JJ Barea is.

Well that's in the books. Time to gear up for a more honest test of where we are as a team; the Suns are in town tomorrow. I will be representing B3 in the Rowdy Proud and Loud zone, with a pair of goggles in my hair and a flag around my shoulders.

Final: 100-98, Mavericks!
-BJ

Monday, December 1, 2008

Game 16, Dallas Mavericks visit Sacramento Kings

Theme: Metallica, "Motorbreath"
Game Info: Full speed or nothing

The NBA equivalent of two Advil and a piece of chocolate cake. Well, kinda.

- Oh fuck. Antoine Wright, who's made a decent rise in the pecking order, is out with a groin strain.

- No J-Ho. Again. He's day-to-day, but he's been D-to-D since he rolled that ankle. One of three things happening; his foot was hurt worse than the team let on and he's physically incapable of playing, his foot is better but the Mavs are being gentle with it, or he's being kept out for other nondisclosed reasons. Option one is possible, option three less so. Option two is most likely. In any event, I'm doubting him for the Clips game.

- Hack-a-Shaq only works when the hackee is crap from the line. Since none of our guys are crap from the line (with the problematic exception of Diop and please dear God Coach is working with him on that), hacking is not a real good defensive strategy against the Mavericks.

- Dirk! Jabbed the ball away, raced John Salmons for it, flipped it back to Devean George who slammed it home.

- Jet had 24 points, which puts his season-so-far average at 20.1 points per. Sixth Man of the Year, anyone?

- Okay, that downchecks Gerald Green somewhat. Coach is keeping him on a short leash. Coach Ortegel on the Mavs commentating team is at pains to point out the rationale behind that; it's a matter of the kid's poor decision-making under fire (he's more than two years younger than me, I get to call him kid). Red Bull's brain has got to catch up with the rest of him if he's going to make a difference on this team or any other.

- I hope for the sake of the Sactown fanbase the Kings're in rebuild mode. God forbid they have to watch this as a Plan A.

- Define shit job; photographer just past the baseline in a NBA game. JJ was going in for a layup, went out of bounds, and landed butt-first on one of the camera guys. And JJ's a little guy by NBA standards. I mean, you're there, doing the work, not bothering nobody, and BANG! two-hundred plus pounds of power forward lands on you.

- Garbage time; JJ tosses it to Shawne Williams, Bobby Brown knocks it off-path, James Singleton grabs it back and takes it in.

In The Wash: So we split the roadie and the boys're back in town for the next couple weeks. Best case scenario calls for a sweep before we're back out in the world. We could use one. We're at ninth place as things sit right now, and that shit just won't do. We've also got a fanbase that's in need of some serious firing up.

I would go ahead and pencil the Clips game as an automatic Win . . . but the last time I did that the Mavs got their heinies paddled.

Musical Shooting Guard continues. The players seem to be okay with it, for the time being. No rumblings from the locker room, no loaded comments to the sports guys, and if there are any dissenters they're being very careful to keep their sulking private. I wish I could get into the locker room and behind the cliches . . . never happen, of course.

Final: 101-78, Mavericks
-BJ

Game 15, Dallas Mavericks visit Los Angeles Lakers

Theme: Metallica, "Motorbreath"
Game Info: Don't stop for nothing

I wasn't expecting a win, until we were up at the half. Ah Basketball Gods, thou continues to use the Lakers to break spirits and shatter hearts.

You bastards.

- Encouraging. We were doing okay even when the bad guys were pigpiling on Dirk and he wasn't getting shots.

- Less so; Pau Gasol's quit playing like he's my cousin on her No Touchee days. Shit.

- Playing at the two in the second quarter, JJ got some shots he should have framed. The really nifty one was a shot I hope some ambitious physics/calculus teacher uses as a Real Life Example; it went almost straight up and straight down through the hoop. Smile.

- Maybe I'm being hypercritical. Maybe there was some other reason Coach went with Devean George in the second half when it came to fucking Kobe's shit up. And to be fair, George hit a couple of nice threes. But . . . goddamn it, Wright was hanging on.

- I can't help but wonder if the game would've swung the other way had J-Ho been available. But he wasn't.

- Who the fuck is Trevor Ariza?

- Did the refs forget to breathe in the second half? Seriously, no fouls? But that's not a tanget I want to go on, really. It's tempting to blame the refs when the game doesn't go the way you want; it's lazy thinking and (usually) not true.

- That said, our Rick is usually an even-tempered fellow, not at all into the courtside theatrics that made me mutter, "Simmer down Coach," half a dozen times last year. When Rick Carlisle gets slapped with a T, something's up. I don't want to, but I need to take a closer look at that one. He's too smart to give the bad guys free points.

- What's with the cutting the lights? Isn't that pushing it just a little bit? What next, a cheering section that fires blanks into the air? There are limits, dammit.

- Give the Mavs credit; the colors weren't struck until the situation became totally unsalvageable. Kidd and Terry tried their damndest to keep it alive with some clutch threes, but aforementioned Who The Fuck answered right back.

In The Wash: I'm with Coach on not being into moral victories. View the vids and say okay what did we learn from this. This was a winnable game, period-end-of-sentence.

And there's something else. With the way the Lakers have been playing, it's a given that they're going to the playoffs. Which means that in order to get out of the West alive and have a shot at the title the Mavs have got to come up with a way to answer them. As beautifully serindipidous as it would be, I just don't believe we're going to get so lucky as to watch the Lakers suffer a first-round collapse.

Final: 114-107, (sob) Lakers

Postscript:
Dear NBA,
We are all in Deep Shit.
Love,
-BJ