They Don't Have Power Plays In Basketball . . . Right?

Whaddafuck?

I've gone through the rulebook and the ref's guidebook (both available on NBA.com as PDF files, invaluable ammunition in a bar fight), and none of the scenarios listed in the ref's guidebook cover what to do if a team has an extra man on the court and the refs don't notice it before that team scores.

Okay, so we lack precedent. In the spirit of fair play, what is the correct ruling? What's the right thing to do?

1. Basket is discounted and the points are taken off that team's score.

2. A technical foul is assessed to the team. Opposing team shoots uncontested free throw and retains posession.

3. Resume play.

According to the officials present -- who according to the letter of NBA rules have the final say -- the basket was scored before the error was caught and the basket counts.

Bullshit, say I. That troika of grayshirts should be suspended and fined and locked in a room alone with Kevin Garnett for ten minutes. I'm sure Doc Rivers will agree to have him muzzled; you'll probably survive. That field goal came about where one team posessed an unfair advantage over the other due to a clear and unquestionable violation of the rules; ergo, the basket should not count.

If a contest isn't fair, it's meaningless. It stops being a sport and starts being playacting. Having refs when all you want to do is watch ten guys duke it out -- and all the ten guys want to do is play -- is a pain. Why should the players and fans tolerate a league that can't make sure everyone plays fair?

Another day in NBA infamy.
-BJ

Game 31, Dallas Mavericks host Minnesota Timberwolves

Theme: White Zombie, "Soul-Crusher"
Game Info: Try MSN for a nice change of pace

Hey there friends, this is your on-the-spot Know Absolutely Nothing, BJ, coming to you from the AAC with her new intern, MavsMonkey. Say hi MavsMonkey.

Hi MavsMonkey.

Cute. I'm a little busy right this second MavsMonkey, so could you go over the first half?

Yes, Allmighty Evil One. At halftime, I asked The Boss to bleach my fur and make me a NASCAR monkey. Dead legs. No bulling for shots. No fast-breaking. Shot selection on a par with a Tom Green movie -- acutely painful and so not funny. And how was that shit with smacking Dirk in the face not a foul? Coach had the dubious pleasure of being excused from the game in the second; by halftime nineteen thousand ex-Cowboy fans would've been glad to join him. You want to complain about getting booed? Fuck you, you earned every one. Boss, when that kind of shit is all we get, just leave me in the fucking bag already.

. . . agreed. I can't even bring myself to type how much we were down in the third. A lot, let's leave it at that.

But.

About halfway through the third, Dirk got a smack in the face that came yea close to breaking his nose--

Hell-loo! How was that not an ejection?!?

I guess because the fouler didn't curl his hand just right. Here's a can of Sarcasm. Apply liberally.

Wonder why Jet's firing the crowd up and we're still down twenty . . . and wonder why the crowd is in fact fired up?

The tide changed. You could feel it. The Mavs woke up, remembered they were playing a subpar team, and proceeded to turn them into wall hangings. Dirk had problems with his jumper early on -- and from the line he was six-of-ten, I'll chalk it up to the scrambled sinuses and let it go -- and he proceeded to take it in with more force than I've ever seen from him. Jason Kidd demonstrated why the Kidd trade was not a bad idea -- sixteen points, seventeen assists, and another put-a-little-English-on-it pass that's going to make somebody's highlight reel. Dampier had some monster dunks, and Josh Howard is slowly getting back in touch with his offensive awesomeness (though I'm getting annoyed, he specifically promised to quit relying on that step-back jump shot). The Jet was on fucking fire, everything he flung up found nylon. The Timberwolves, instead of sticking with the defensive gameplan that had been working -- outrun, outgun, and stick somebody about thirty pounds heavier on Dirk like a bumper sticker -- started commiting dumb fouls and getting sloppy with the ball. The Minnesota coach had timeouts to use and fouls to give and he neither used nor gave . . . and given the kind of rolls the Mavs went on, a momentum breaker would've helped.

More importantly, the defense locked down. In the second half the T-wolves couldn't shoot for shit. Overall, the energy was much better. In the first half I saw some defensive lapses for which there's simply no excuse.

I'm torn about how to feel about this game. I hope like hell I never see anything like that first half, ever again. This should've been a blowout from the first five seconds.

On the other hand-- let me set the stage for you. Nice weather and no Cowboys. The Organization didn't need to cheat to make it a sellout night. The Painted Fan section, underpopulated all month, was packed -- I was in their overflow section, Standing Room Only in the back of Section 114. A blowout would've made for a deserted arena halfway through the fourth, because Dallas sports fans don't see the point in hanging around unless something's hanging in the balance.

An epic, come-from-behind ass-whipping is what Dallas sports fans live for. Given that the Cowboys missed the playoffs and given that the Stars are minus Morrow, it looks like it's up to the Mavs to save the soul of the DFW sports scene.

And the way last night's game played out, they look up to the challenge. Block and an egoectomy, courtesy of Dr. Nowitzki! Kidd picks your pocket and there goes your lunch money! Monster slam from Diop! J-Ho throws up a prayer with one left on the shot clock and it goes! The Jet bombs your ass from any range!

In terms of basketball, this game's a meh. In terms of building and cultivating a fanbase, it's exactly what the doctor ordered. The biggest comeback in Dallas Mavericks history.

Final: 107-100, Mavericks!
-BJ

An Open Letter to the Dallas Cowboys Fanbase

By birth I am a Michigander, and for my sins I am a Lions fan. Your life might be in the pits, but you have not gotten the Grand Tour.

I'm giving you a week to mourn. After that I don't want to hear it.

How 'bout those Mavs?

Sincerely,
-BJ

Game 26, Dallas Mavericks visit Washington Wizards

Theme: Grendel, "Void Malign"
Game Info: Use da Force, dumbass

After the truly ugly gang-rape in Jersey (Garden State my ass!), a trip to the capital was just what the boys needed. To be fair, the Wiz made it a fight almost down to the wire. The folks in the arena got their money's worth as far as the game goes.

- I don't want to have to get ugly, gentlemen, so let's work on those long-range shots. 'Kay?

- Free-throws attempted by Wizards -- 25. Free-throws attempted by Mavs -- 14. Haven't seen the video so I'm not going to scream "home cooking," I'm-not-I'm-not-I'm-not.

- Well there goes the Triple-Double Threat. Our Mr. Kidd was zero-for-seven, a big fucking donut-hole for seven. On the other hand, I'm not going to say No to four rebounds and eleven assists.

- Antawan Jamison. Actually worth a damn. On this team, any road.

- No we did not hurt Arenas on purpose.

- The end of the game we've got our Three Jacks And A Pair lineup -- the three-point-guard setup of Kidd, Barea, and Terry, with an interchangeable couple of bigish guys. According to Cooperstein, Jason Kidd was able to read the Wizards well enough to catch them in panic-mode in crunch time, so the Mavs kept throwing alley-oops. Dirk was out for a few minutes that just kept going.

- Josh Howard's back, but not really sure of his place in the lineup. The team managed all right in his absence, even learned some shit that'll come in handy later. Josh's adaptability is now what's really in question. Can he accept any variation in his role, either increased or decreased? He'd better. We need him. Or what we can get for him.

- James Singleton is now Jimz. Just so you know.

In The Wash: Another game that's closer than I'd like. On the other hand, the guys got a Win after a truly unmanning loss. So yay. Meantime they're back home on Tuesday for a layover at the AAC before hitting Portland for Christmas. Which I'm here to tell you, if you're a kid, that blows. My heart goes out to the Kidd littleuns, Jet's girls, and the rest of the Mavs kids. It fucking sucks to have your kin away on Christmas for something so meaningless as work.

Final: 97-86, Mavericks
-BJ

Game 25, Dallas Mavericks visit New Jersey Nets

Theme: Combichrist, "Fuck This Shit"
Game Info: Don't fucking talk to me about this one

Not only did we get totally fucked . . . somebody put sand in the Vaseline.

- God Mode got split between Harris and Vince Carter and the Mavs were totally unable to shut either one of them down. They tried man-to-man; Epic Fail. They tried zone; the Nets just shot over it. Bupkis.

- The Kidd Trade happened just as I was getting into the team, so I have no direct familiarity with Devin Harris as a Maverick. By all accounts the Organization expected him to blossom into an All-Star at some point. Just not this soon. Or this dramatically. Or this painfully.

- I'm not familiar with Harris, but I am familiar with Avery Johnson. Looking back, maybe the Organization would've done better to have given up on the coach before giving up on the point guard. Jackass.

- To you guys in the Dirk Is Not A Leader canoe -- what exactly is your critera for leadership? Making sure the unhappy team doesn't murder the coach in his sleep isn't enough?

- By Dirk standards, he had a mediocre night against the Nets. I will now accept that MVP talk at this point is strictly homer talk and shut up. Until he uncorks another fifty point night (it's coming).

- I'm not sure why Hardwood P has Vince Carter clocked as a douche. Other than whaling the snot out of my guys I didn't see any proof of it.

In The Wash: You know what? I'm gonna weasel. Read this for a comprehensive analysis of the Mavs suck factor.

Most of the points this gentleman makes are right on the money. Bass isn't having the year everyone was hoping he'd have, Jason Terry's abilities as a passer are hit-or-miss, and while Dirk's a long way from his Irk-with-no-D days, his defensive skills are nothing to stop alien invasions with.

On the other hand, the Nets need that kind of nads-that-warp-time-and-space performance out of Harris and Carter every night if they're going to make any noise. This is a decent team, but if they make the playoffs it'll be because a lot of other teams screwed up.

The same could be said of the Mavs. If the playoffs started today, we'd be out.

Final: 121-97 (sob!) Nets
-BJ